Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
