I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize