She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
