I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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