I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
