i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize