If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
