If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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