I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
