New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
