Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
