The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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