just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
