yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
