The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am one with the molecules
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
