Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
