i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
