Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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