The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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