Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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