My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Then you guys just all showered together...?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
