There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
