Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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