he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
