i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
