Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
