I'm going to jail i love you
I have demons in me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
