how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
