A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
