my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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