I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
