I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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