I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
