my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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