Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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