the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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