I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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