My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
