I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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