ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
