Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
