i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
