This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
