I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
