you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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