I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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