your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize