he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
