who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
