Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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