I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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