You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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