You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
