How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize