So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
