Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
