It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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