remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
