Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
