i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
false alarm, still single
Randomize
