Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
