At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize